


Down, Down, Down

by venusinthenight



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Experimental Style, Gen, POV Alternating, Self-Sacrifice, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:46:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5643076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venusinthenight/pseuds/venusinthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two deaths, two falls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down, Down, Down

**Author's Note:**

> A dabble in experimental formatting and alternating narration/points of view. To read, alternate from side to side.
> 
> (Original title: But Neither of Us Will Rise Again)

My name is Paul.

My name is Beth.

I was stabbed, shot multiple times, and blew myself up with a grenade.

I was mentally ill and stepped in front of a train.

I was a Major in the Army.

I was a cop, a detective.

My mission was to help sick soldiers.

My mission was to help my city.

Then it got complicated.

Those soldiers were clones.

I am a clone.

I infiltrated the Dyad Institute.

Another clone found me. I found others.

I met Beth, and I became her monitor.

I met Paul, and he moved in.

I didn’t love Beth.

I loved Paul.

But I couldn’t tell her that.

He wouldn’t let me in.

She killed a woman.

I killed Maggie Chen to protect Alison and Cosima and Katja.

Beth got suspended.

I got suspended.

She started falling apart.

I got lost in my new work of protecting everyone that I fell apart.

I couldn’t leave her. I had a job to do. And she needed me.

Paul didn’t seem to love me. So why did he stay?

But then I had to go to Cleveland for a weekend.

Paul went away for a weekend.

I didn’t know I would never see Beth again.

I would never see him again.

At least not in life.

I came home and saw her face.

The last person I saw before I jumped was another clone.

I thought it was Beth.

Paul didn’t know I was dead.

But there was something different about her.

We may look the same, but all of us are different.

She was more interesting.

Sarah moved in and took over my life.

She wasn’t Beth.

Paul thought she was a better version of me.

Her name was Sarah.

Sarah isn’t me. She’s a con artist.

At first I wanted to kill her because I let Beth slip away from me.

Paul never cared about me. Only his secrets.

But then I fell for Sarah, wanted to protect her.

He should have known better.

She wouldn’t stay out of things.

Sarah’s a fighter, too.

She wouldn’t let things go, let me help.

Paul didn’t know when to back off.

Then I had to return to Coady’s.

I never learned who Coady really was.

I had another set of clones to deal with. Project Castor.

Castor. I had not made that discovery, either.

We traded Rudy for Helena.

An unknown-to-me Castor clone for an assassin.

And then, for some reason, Sarah showed up.

Sarah and Paul. On a collision course.

Coady was more interested in her anyway. Nothing new to me.

No one misses me now that I’m dead, I’m sure.

Leekie. Rachel. Coady. All interested in Sarah.

  
Sarah isn’t me. But...

Being a biological mother to a child when Beth couldn’t have one has its perks, I guess.

It’s not a perk to be studied and prodded without your consent.

But then I discovered what was really going on.

I wish Paul had told me what was going on.

Biological warfare. Castor clones were designed to sterilize women while having sex with them.

We were born sterile. Except for Sarah.

They were also siblings to Project Leda.

Castors as our brothers? I wish I knew.

I knew what I had to do.

I wish I was there so he could apologize to me.

I had to destroy the research. Atone for what I’d done to Beth.

We do terrible things for the people we love. Maybe even for those we don’t love, too.

It was never Beth that I loved.

It was always Paul that I loved.

But she never deserved to be treated like I’d treated her.

But he should have been honest with me. He should have confided in me.

The only way I could make amends was to die with Coady’s research.

Paul could have stayed alive. Helped Sarah, Alison, Cosima. That would have been enough.

Beth could have stayed alive and fought through everything.

I fell too deep and couldn't get out.

I fell too deep and couldn't get out.

We fell too deep and couldn't get out.


End file.
